Him

I saw him kneel, that day in school,

Nearly a year ago, a stranger,

Down on one knee, my hands in his,

And an ear splitting smile on his face,

Apparently a case of one sided love at first sight.

Well, I had seen him around in school

He was a member of the football team and rather famous,

And I was no cheer girl material,

But he was there all the same.

I apologised profusely and told him that I didn’t really want a boyfriend.

But over the next three months, we weren’t quite seen apart,

That is when we weren’t in class.

But what is seared into my memory about him

Is farewell night in school, from our juniors.

There were tears, hugs and forget you nots,

And there I was, accosted by everyone who came my way,

A smile here, a shoulder to cry on there,

When he came my way, and gave me what was the biggest bear hug I might ever have been in.

For the next few minutes, there was nobody else in the place.

Only the two of us with our arms around each other,

His chin resting lightly just below my shoulder and on my back,

My cheek pressed on his shoulder,

Both of us holding on like the world would fall to bits any minute.

And the music fell away, the people and their talking faded into the background.

The last time I was him was on the last day of school, when we were signing each other’s uniforms.

And I still have no idea where he is, the stranger kneeling with a smile on his face.

-Severus Snape –

A Blade of Grass.

For a girl well known for her smile, 

I  smile way too much. 

But behind that smile, beneath that laughter, 

Lies a girl ripped to bits by a single blade of grass.

Those I have trusted, those who I’ve loved

Now give me proof of my mistakes. 

But I still smile, or a part of me does. 

The other part beats its wings desperately 

Against walls made of gold to hold it in.

I may look tough sometimes, 

But deep down I have a heart that bleeds,

And circumstances that let it bleed free. 

Every time I let a scab form,

Something as fine as a blade of grass

Cuts past it, exposing raw hide and a fresh lot of blood underneath. 

Sometimes, the Grim Reaper seems more alluring 

Than life itself, which I have so far found sweet. 

But I shall live a long life. I have yet to live enough 

So I may embrace the Grim Reaper without regret. 

And thus I shall live on with a smile on my face, 

However much I may want to shatter to bits.

For if I am to love, I am to be hurt,

And trust often begets betrayal. 

But that doesn’t stop me. 

And though trust in others doesn’t come easy, and love is something that ain’t free, 

I trust myself enough to reach the moon and beyond, 

And I love myself enough to live with no one else,

For in the very end, that is all that matters;

And that is what keeps me going. 

Those who want to break me, those who’d like to destroy me,

Rape me, kill me or rob me of all I have, listen up:

I am afraid, I  admit, but I don’t give a damn to fear. 

I outlive my fear, and dare to fail. 

I dare failure on its face. 

And it is then I find my light

Shining at the end of the tunnel, 

Brighter than tbe sun, more constant than the north star,

And I know that I have won my battle with my inner demons.

-Severus Snape –

To My Friend

This piece of poetry is for a friend I’d call S for privacy. Between us, I know, and he knows who I’m referring to, and if S happens to be reading this, though I know the odds are slim, know that Severus wants more than anything else to reach out and bury the hatchet between us. I have been quite unable to show the past its place and move on for some time now. It is high time I let go of my defence mechanisms, which are living in a state of denial, and accept my share of responsibility in the case. I have behaved abominably in being as selfish as I was in not trying to look at both sides of the coin. I was all me me me, whining away about how hurt I was, when I knew very well how much I had caused hurt. A sorry does nothing. I know. And I won’t even try to apologise in a case where I’ve gone beyond redemption. Know that I’ve begun to move on now, and this, trust me, will be a last effort at conversation on my part. By last, I mean last. I don’t cry myself to sleep any more, though I’m not happy having made my way so far ahead in both academics in college and my blog. If you, S, feel that you need to say something, you have my phone number. But don’t ask me to take things back to what they were. I won’t be able to do that, even if I want to. So here goes:

I have been selfish, I know.

I’ve been hurt, and I’ve caused hurt.

And beyond this, I shall give up on my efforts to bury the hatchet;

I’m simply too tired to carry on with them.

If it is your choice to push  me away, I’ll walk away,

Just know that I will look out for you,

And wish you well in your life.

Attempt to talk to me if you must, I have nothing against it,

But don’t attempt to take things back to what they were before.

I can’t do it any more- trust you, esteem you or call you friend,

For I know, and so do you, far better than me,

That there exist people whose hearts are either stolen or forcibly taken,

Who don’t give it out of their own free will,

And we are both of the species, you and I.

When we do give our hearts away, it is to those who we deem deserving.

If, by a strange twist of fate, our judgement lies in error,

Nothing the other person does can remedy it.

On my part at least, that is what’s happened.

To me, we’ve both gone beyond redemption.

And I don’t have it in me any more to look back

And wish for it to come back to me.

Don’t even attempt to bring it back. I won’t have it. Not anymore.

My tears, my anger, my submissiveness to your wishes

Have gone, gone so far away that I can’t retrieve them

How much ever I might want to, how much I might die to retrieve.

Just know this, I am willing to bury the hatchet if you are,

And it is you who must make the effort if such be the case, for I won’t any more.

I have tried to look at things from your point of view, but failed.

And I’d like you to clear the air. I won’t make any more effort.

Talk when you’re ready. I’d appreciate it.

But don’t push people away any more.

I have an inkling you’re in great pain.

Prove me right or wrong, it doesn’t matter,

But I tried to do that once myself- push my friends away

At a time I needed them most,

And instead of soothing the pain, it only made it worse.

I have learnt it the hard way, S.

And I had lost my will to live, till one day, my dam burst, and I let it all out.

Now, I am a happy girl, that is, as happy as I can be.

I want to live. And put it this way,

That  I don’t want you for a friend any more,

But yes, I want to free ourselves from hate.

And I put the ball in your court.

yours,

Severus Snape.

 

 

Dream On

Dreams do come true, darn those who say otherwise;

Only I need  to put myself to work before they do.

I used to dream of being a princess, and here I am,

The princess of the castle called me.

I dream of becoming famous, and rich,

And I’m working for it.

I dreamt of love, betrayal and falling back in love,

And I did fall and fall back in love, and still wait to be betrayed.

I dream of a lot of things, my future, my family, my friends,

And then work to fulfil them, the good ones of course,

I wouldn’t like my nightmares coming true on me!

For unless I pursue my dreams, they’ll never come true,

But they do come true, Darn those who say otherwise.

-Severus Snape-

 

Girl Unlimited. 

I don’t claim to be feminist,

But I’m a girl all the same. 

I’m supposed to be swooning after boys, 

Making sure I look drop dead gorgeous every minute of every day,

 And gossiping away like a parrot, watching the latest rom com or sob story in the theatre perhaps

Not cracking math faster than the guys,

Or messing about with the table lamp trying to make it work,

Or cycling like the wind on the streets.

I’m supposed to look sharp, not talk sharp, or even think sharp;

I’m supposed to know needlework, not be mortally afraid of them.

I’m supposed to keep myself hairless and pimple less, though I do keep enough of both on me.

But life doesn’t go on by suppositions. 

I don’t follow them, but many others do.

And they don’t rest till they’ve driven me mad.

And I’m the luckier species.

I find many girls around me 

Who aren’t allowed to go to school, 

If they are, they’re pulled out in a few years. 

They are married off by the time they have celebrated their eighteenth birthday. 

They’re beaten and bruised for no fault of theirs,

Deprived of their freedom by depraved people.

If they are not free, how can India call itself free for 70 years? 

Fear 

They told me that I was a warrior

That if I’m afraid, I mustn’t show it;

To keep fighting even if I were mortally hurt,

For the world doesn’t give a damn

To those who advertise their weakness by crying

Or complaining when they’re scared or hurting all over.

So, I grew rhinoceros hide for protection

Against the missiles aimed at me,

The curses flung at me and the people bent on hurting me.

With time, I began to look the tough guy:

Apparently emotionless, way too dignified to return hurt,

The queen of a castle made of reserve.

But beneath it all lay intricate lace for a heart,

As delicate as cobweb, ready to tear apart at the seams at the lightest touch.

For though I might look like a warrior, I’m afraid.

I fear the shards of glass I had buried within me

The day I lost trust in a dearly trusted friend,

For I know there will be a day when I won’t control them any longer,

And they must harm him who they were meant to harm

But were held back by a heart that wished it not.

I fear my own thoughts, for they are rebellious,

But this mind of mine revels in solitude, gushing forth in streams of them.

I fear the dark which comes out of the depths of ignorance and hate,

For though they are only human, they are dark all the same.

I fear me of all people, for I do have the temper of a rhinoceros,

And may inflict injury on myself or those I love.

I’m not talking of physical injury here, I’m talking figuratively,

For the injury of the heart never heals.

But courage, or so I’ve heard, is not the absence of fear,

It is the overcoming of fear. And so I promise myself to try hard

And beat my fears out of me for good.

I’m sure I’ll not lose the war against them, for the war is mine,

And I am a warrior princess in my home turf,

And winning out there shouldn’t be very difficult.

-Severus Snape-

 

 

A letter of gratitude. 

 Hello there, reader. Earlier this evening, my blog hit fifty followers, that is, minus the feature where I get to follow my own blog. Thank you all very much. Thank you for your time, patience and for reading through my posts.  And shout out to all other readers who aren’t followers, thanks to you as well. I hope I’ll be able to write for a long time to come, for that is where my heart lies. 

Maintaining a blog is hard work, or so I feel, and even more so when I have already elbowed my way into being one of the top scorers in my subjects, and now people expect me to keep myself there. I wonder though,  how was it that I managed to come so far in less than two weeks. Well, had it not been for amazing people like you, I couldn’t have done it.  Thank you again.  

Blogging has been a different experience for me all together.  For the first time, my thoughts and ideas are being expressed in such a large platform. Being a girl who finds more comfort in the written word than the spoken one, it means a lot to me to be able to get my ideas across such a great distance. I have also had the fortune to have come across people from all over the world, who have absolutely brilliant ideas about life in general, and though they are different  and sometimes the opposite of mine, they are brilliant all the same.

 It seems to me that I have grown as a person in the last couple of weeks. I learnt a lot in the process of writing, reading, and of course, meeting more people. In a few days, I seem to have grown more confident of myself. I can talk freely to people now. Yeah, I used to be so reserved at a point of time, not long ago, that people would either stay away from me, or treat me like I was a doll. Among friends and loved ones, I was more outspoken, but not exactly extrovert. I finally feel like I’m getting over that phase now.  

Well, I am barely experienced when it comes to writing prose, and thoroughly out of my element, and that’s why I’m presenly pretty awkward.  I don’t know if I managed to convey my feelings right. So then, reader, I bid goodbye for the day. Thank you again for reading through my posts, and have a beautiful day ahead.

        Yours,

Severus Snape.