This piece of poetry is for a friend I’d call S for privacy. Between us, I know, and he knows who I’m referring to, and if S happens to be reading this, though I know the odds are slim, know that Severus wants more than anything else to reach out and bury the hatchet between us. I have been quite unable to show the past its place and move on for some time now. It is high time I let go of my defence mechanisms, which are living in a state of denial, and accept my share of responsibility in the case. I have behaved abominably in being as selfish as I was in not trying to look at both sides of the coin. I was all me me me, whining away about how hurt I was, when I knew very well how much I had caused hurt. A sorry does nothing. I know. And I won’t even try to apologise in a case where I’ve gone beyond redemption. Know that I’ve begun to move on now, and this, trust me, will be a last effort at conversation on my part. By last, I mean last. I don’t cry myself to sleep any more, though I’m not happy having made my way so far ahead in both academics in college and my blog. If you, S, feel that you need to say something, you have my phone number. But don’t ask me to take things back to what they were. I won’t be able to do that, even if I want to. So here goes:
I have been selfish, I know.
I’ve been hurt, and I’ve caused hurt.
And beyond this, I shall give up on my efforts to bury the hatchet;
I’m simply too tired to carry on with them.
If it is your choice to push me away, I’ll walk away,
Just know that I will look out for you,
And wish you well in your life.
Attempt to talk to me if you must, I have nothing against it,
But don’t attempt to take things back to what they were before.
I can’t do it any more- trust you, esteem you or call you friend,
For I know, and so do you, far better than me,
That there exist people whose hearts are either stolen or forcibly taken,
Who don’t give it out of their own free will,
And we are both of the species, you and I.
When we do give our hearts away, it is to those who we deem deserving.
If, by a strange twist of fate, our judgement lies in error,
Nothing the other person does can remedy it.
On my part at least, that is what’s happened.
To me, we’ve both gone beyond redemption.
And I don’t have it in me any more to look back
And wish for it to come back to me.
Don’t even attempt to bring it back. I won’t have it. Not anymore.
My tears, my anger, my submissiveness to your wishes
Have gone, gone so far away that I can’t retrieve them
How much ever I might want to, how much I might die to retrieve.
Just know this, I am willing to bury the hatchet if you are,
And it is you who must make the effort if such be the case, for I won’t any more.
I have tried to look at things from your point of view, but failed.
And I’d like you to clear the air. I won’t make any more effort.
Talk when you’re ready. I’d appreciate it.
But don’t push people away any more.
I have an inkling you’re in great pain.
Prove me right or wrong, it doesn’t matter,
But I tried to do that once myself- push my friends away
At a time I needed them most,
And instead of soothing the pain, it only made it worse.
I have learnt it the hard way, S.
And I had lost my will to live, till one day, my dam burst, and I let it all out.
Now, I am a happy girl, that is, as happy as I can be.
I want to live. And put it this way,
That I don’t want you for a friend any more,
But yes, I want to free ourselves from hate.
And I put the ball in your court.